When to Speak Up: Navigating Difficult Conversations with Employers

Working in private households, especially those with VIP, HNW, or high-profile employers, requires discretion, adaptability, and professionalism. But even in the most structured, respectful work environments, situations arise when a nanny must advocate for herself or for the well-being of the children. Dealing with unrealistic expectations, blurred boundaries, unpaid overtime, or child safety concerns requires learning when and how to speak up. This is a critical part of being a professional.

It’s not always easy. Power dynamics, cultural differences, and personal pride can make these conversations feel daunting. But avoiding important discussions can lead to burnout, resentment, or preventable issues escalating.

This guide offers practical advice, real-world scenarios, and communication strategies to help you approach tough conversations with clarity, confidence, and grace.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed already, you may also want to read How Nannies Can Avoid Burnout When Working for Demanding Families to help assess your emotional landscape.

1. When You Should Speak Up

Being flexible can be a great trait, but it's important to not allow yourself to be taken for granted. While every household runs differently, there are some non-negotiable moments where staying silent can affect your well-being or that of the child in your care.

Red Flags Worth Addressing:

• You’re consistently working hours beyond your contract without discussion or extra pay

• You’re expected to perform tasks outside your job description (e.g., cleaning the employer’s car, managing unrelated admin, entertaining guests)

• A child is being mistreated, neglected, or showing signs of emotional distress

• Your personal safety or health is compromised (e.g., being left without breaks, unsafe travel arrangements)

• You’re given conflicting instructions from multiple adults in the household, making your role unclear

Real-life example: One Norland-trained nanny found herself increasingly being asked to “just pop into” school admin meetings during her off-hours. After several weeks, she sat down with her employers and diplomatically explained the impact on her rest time and role boundaries. The result? Clearer scheduling and proper time off were reinstated without any conflict.

2. Timing Is Everything: When (Not) to Bring It Up

Approaching a sensitive topic when your employer is rushing to a meeting or dealing with a child tantrum is unlikely to end well.

Best Times to Discuss:

• During a scheduled check-in or review (many families expect regular performance updates)

• At the end of the day, once the child is settled, in a private setting

• Via a short written note or email, followed by a face-to-face conversation

Avoid:
Venting in the heat of the moment
Bringing things up in front of children or household staff
Turning minor frustrations into emotional confrontations

For support during high-stress times, explore Handling Difficult Parents and High-Pressure Work Environments.

3. How to Frame Your Concerns (Without Causing Drama)

When you need to speak up, how you frame your message is just as important as what you say.

Use This Framework:

• Observation: “I’ve noticed that I’ve been asked to stay later than agreed several times this month.”

• Impact: “While I want to be flexible, it’s been affecting my own rest and ability to provide the same energy during the day.”

• Request: “Would it be possible to review the schedule together and agree on a clear finish time?”

Key Phrases to Use:

• “I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind.”

• “Can we schedule a time to discuss a few things about the routine?”

• “My intention is to keep the care consistent and professional, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

Pro tip: Write it down first. Practicing what you’ll say helps you stay focused and prevents emotion from hijacking the moment.

4. If You’re Met with Resistance

Not every employer will take feedback well. But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for raising the issue.

If your concerns are dismissed or you feel punished for speaking up, it’s time to re-evaluate the long-term sustainability of the role.

What to Do:

• Stay calm and professional, even if they become defensive

• Reiterate your intentions (“I’m raising this because I care about the child’s wellbeing and consistency”)

• Document the conversation and follow up via email if necessary

In extreme cases, having a strong nanny contract to reference can provide protection and clarity.

5. Know Your Rights and Your Worth

Confidence in speaking up often comes from knowing where you stand professionally.

• Revisit your contract to clarify your duties, hours, and pay
• Keep a daily log to document any patterns (see Keeping a Nanny Diary)
• Talk to other professionals in the field to benchmark your situation

Many nannies, especially those working overseas or in isolated roles, underestimate their value. Remind yourself: this is your livelihood, and your well-being matters just as much as the child’s.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries Build Trust

Speaking up doesn’t make you a “difficult” individual; it makes you professional, responsible, and invested. In fact, most employers respect nannies who set boundaries with maturity and clarity because it shows you're committed to the role and confident in your ability to provide high-quality care.

The goal isn’t confrontation. It’s collaboration.
The best working relationships are not built on silence but on mutual respect and open communication.

So if something doesn’t sit right, say something. Kindly. Clearly. Professionally.
Because when you advocate for yourself, you’re also advocating for the children in your care.

For childcare job strategies, check out How to Stand Out in a Competitive Nanny/Childcare Market.

For strategies on how to earn a higher salary, read How to Make More Money as a Nanny.

Ready for a placement where your voice is valued? Explore top-tier childcare jobs now at Jobs in Childcare.