Building Trust with Older Children and Teens: How to Stay Relevant and Respected

Working with toddlers? You’re their superhero. But once they reach the double-digit age, something shifts within them. Suddenly, your jokes aren’t funny. Your rules are questioned. And the classic eye roll often greets you when impinging on their time or space.

But don’t take it personally. Teenagers and preteens are wired to test boundaries, form identities, and distance themselves from authority. That doesn’t mean you’ve become irrelevant. It should simply mean that you’re now in the unique position of helping them navigate independence while still needing connection.

This guide explores how to build trust with older kids and teens in a way that earns you respect without having to sacrifice authority. It also keeps your relationship genuine, flexible, and strong.

Also see How to Handle Difficult Parents and High-Pressure Work Environments for support when adolescent tension overlaps with household expectations.

1. Understand the Adolescent Mindset (Without Patronising)

Teenagers are not just older children. Transitioning into young adults comes with emotional, social, and neurological growth that can be challenging and leave them feeling confused. 

They can be regarded as:

• Hyper-aware of judgment

• Seeking autonomy

• Pushing limits while craving stability

Trying to control them with rigid rules can have adverse effects, while giving them too much freedom may leave them feeling abandoned. The goal is to become an adult whom they can trust: not a buddy and neither a boss.

Pro tip: Respect their opinions and choices, even when you disagree. Avoid using baby-like talk or overly cheerful tones in conversations with them. It may come across as condescending, making them feel as if their thoughts and opinions aren’t being taken seriously.

Example: Instead of saying, “Don’t forget to do your homework, sweetie!” Try: “What’s your plan for finishing your assignments tonight?”

2. Be Consistent, but Flexible

Older kids benefit from consistency. Do you do what you say you’ll do? Are your boundaries fair? Can you adapt without flipping your script?

Being consistent fosters security and earns respect. Being flexible reduces anxiety and earns relatability.

What this looks like in practice:

• Enforcing screen time rules but remaining open to extending it for a group project

• Sticking to curfews but making allowances for honest check-ins and safe exceptions

• Being strict about chores but open to negotiations about how and when they’re done

Pro nanny tip: A VIP nanny working with teens in Moscow used a traffic-light system for house expectations—green (relaxed), yellow (moderate), and red (tightened boundaries). Teens had input on the system, which gave them ownership and buy-in.

3. Find Common Ground and Stay Curious

No, you don’t have to learn TikTok dances (unless you want to), but cultural literacy matters. Teens respect adults who take a real interest in what they love, without mocking or hijacking it.

Ask about their favourite games
Share playlists (or ask for recommendations)
Watch a show they love and chat about it
Be curious about memes, slang, or trends

Why it works: They feel validated and valued. Deeper conversations and stronger bonds build trust that you’re not always stuck in “adult mode.”

Looking for pop-culture bridges? Try 6 Upcoming Netflix Shows for Nannies and Kids for ideas.

4. Honour Their Privacy (Within Reason)

One of the fastest ways to lose a teen’s trust is to invade their space, read their messages, or gossip about their secrets.

While safety should always come first, it’s also important to allow them breathing space, within boundaries.

Example: “I won’t snoop through your phone, but if something worries me, I’ll talk to you first.”

Create a safe space where they feel they can come to you voluntarily; and when they do, don’t overreact.

Pro nanny tip: A governess kept a small notebook in her room for a 13-year-old girl to write notes about anything concerning when she didn’t want to talk out loud, and vice versa, bridging the communication gap between nanny and child when words felt too uncomfortable.

5. Let Them Teach You Something

Teenagers love to feel competent and heard. Invite them to share their expertise, whether it’s gaming, skateboarding, makeup, or digital art.

Why it works: Reversing the power dynamic momentarily shows trust, mutual respect, and signals that you see them as growing individuals, not just someone to manage.

Example: “I saw a meme today and didn’t get it. Can you explain?” The moment becomes not just funny but fosters a trusting bond.

For another way to give kids control, try Helping Your Kids Succeed.

6. Don’t Push the Big Conversations—But Be Ready

Older kids don’t usually say, “I want to talk about my emotions now.” Instead, they ask about the meaning of a song lyric, mention a friend’s problem, or test your reaction to a controversial topic.

When you notice these moments, lean in gently. Don’t moralize. Instead, ask open questions and just listen.

Example: “That sounds complicated. What do you think you’d do in that situation?” or “Would you want my opinion, or just someone to listen?”

For more subtle emotional work, see Mindfulness for Kids: Simple Breathing Exercises and Calming Games.

Final Thoughts

Respect First, Trust Follows

Working with older children and teens is less about “managing” them and more about meeting them where they are. They don’t need another parent or another friend. What they need is an adult who sees them, respects them, and gives them space to grow into themselves.

Trust takes time. But when it’s built with consistency, curiosity, and compassion, it becomes the foundation for real influence and deep connection.

Here’s the secret: When a teen knows you respect them, they’ll start listening, even when they pretend not to.

Read our tips on starting a new governor or governess job,

Or Tips to land a VIP Nanny job,

Want to work with older children in elite households around the world? Explore available roles now at Jobs in Childcare.